


(Don't) Dare to Dream

by welcometothisday



Series: Dancing Around the Subject [3]
Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, M/M, Neurodivergent Reader, Other, gender neutral reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:22:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23330848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/welcometothisday/pseuds/welcometothisday
Summary: After the incident on Havarl, Akksul is trying to change, and part of that is learning about other races in the attempt to understand them.On the Nexus, he encounters a botanist that is a bit more unexpected than most.
Relationships: Akksul (Mass Effect)/Original Character(s), Akksul (Mass Effect)/Reader, Evfra de Tershaav/Reader, Jaal Ama Darav/Ryder
Series: Dancing Around the Subject [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1556455
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	(Don't) Dare to Dream

**Author's Note:**

> The Reader in this case is not the same as the one from the previous story, but is from the same universe as the Cook.
> 
> To simplify, this Reader is part of the support group that the Cook attended back on Earth. It's the same human that goes around wearing bright colors, likes loud music, and can't stand to look people in the eye.
> 
> Bear in mind I'm trying NOT to name all of the diagnoses these characters have for a reason. And again, some of these characters share some of my traits because I'm also neurodivergent, but not all of them. Every person is different, and these characters are diverse to show that.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I try not to specify a diagnosis, but the Reader(s) are based on certain aspects of multiple ones as some can overlap.
> 
> However, this specific pattern of behaviors and symptoms in this Reader that may be disturbing to anyone reading this.
> 
> Who knows, maybe those who have it or something similar will recognize it?
> 
> Or not, pending on how badly I've botched this up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than the ones in (No) Hugs Please because this story is meant to be more than a two shot.

_To: Ryder_

_From: Akksul_

_Human,_

_"To hate blindly is as dangerous to trust blindly." An old angaran proverb, one I have forgotten somewhere along the way._

_This is not an apology. I don't know if I will ever be able to look upon an alien and not feel hatred. But what I did to Jaal was wrong. So I must try._

* * *

Your friend had been shot.

The Pathfinder told you so.

Vorn and Kesh let you go to them, and you held their hand in their unconscious state. They felt cold, likely from blood loss. "You two are close?"

_"'Close' my ass. They don't want you. They don't need you. Why don't you-?!"_

You winced, "Kind of? We met back on Earth as part of a support group I made for those who were neurodiverse."

"Support group?"

_"Yes, go on about the support group. Everyone stares at you there. They know how messed up in the head you are. You're-"_

Damn it, the last voice was screaming. Now this one was whispering.

Folding your arms, you looked downwards instead of Dr. T'Perro's face, her eyes. "Not many people...Quite understand what it means to be neurodivergent. Some even make stereotypes or believe us to be dangerous." It wasn't just humans anymore. A lot of the angara were anxious now. And if your friend had been shot just because of something out of their control? You weren't just worried about your friend now, even if that consumed most of your mind. You were also concerned about the others. What did this mean for everyone? "A lot of people say we were unloved as infants, that we have brain damage, or that vaccines make us this way. That there's something wrong, or that our mutations are unnatural, or that we're even dangerous."

In some ways that last one was true. Everyone had the capacity to be dangerous. Anyone could be a murderer, a monster, _something_ who lost sight. What they did with that was what mattered most. You could hear the sounds of laughter and see vague images of the past in your mind. 

_"She's watching you. She suspects. You're lying. You know you're lying, right? You have to be. You are dangerous. People like you are always dangerous. Wake up and get it over with already."_

You weren't lying. "You're sure they'll recover?"

The physician nodded. "They should wake up in a few hours."

You looked over at the angara by your friend's beside. "And him? Is he going to be okay?"

_"They're dying. It's your fault. It's Your Fault. It'S yOuR fAuLt. IT'S YOUR FAULT."_

How on Earth was this your fault? But, you weren't on Earth so did the rules even apply the same way? Nope, you weren't going to let your head trick you into this. "Physically, yes. Emotionally and mentally, I'm unsure. But he is a soldier-"

"Him being a soldier shouldn't matter," you uttered. "He's a person first."

The voices went quiet at your reprimand for a moment. Your meds must be kicking in about now. It never fully stopped them, but it helped make things easier.

Thinking carefully, you opened a pouch by your side. You took out three fruits. "These were supposed to be gifts."

_"Poison. You're poisoning them."_

Inwardly you scowled. You knew you weren't. It didn't make the blasted voices stop.

"Paripo, elmohk, and quilloa," Dr. T'Perro breathed. "A gift?"

You nodded. "They were going to make something for Ama Darav and someone named Evfra?" You almost smiled at the latter's name. It was nice to see someone smitten. You could tease them endlessly later. "We're working on breeding hybrids by the way. Turns out the combinations might hold more nutritive value."

T'Perro grinned, placing the fruits into proper containers to save for the cook later. You had to leave.

_"Run. Get out of there. They're chasing you. They're following you. They'll kill you. Let them. don't fight. Finish it."_

In the hallway you saw a rather frantic and enraged angara stalking towards the medic room. He was almost running, and you moved out of the way out of concern that he might plow into you. In fact, despite how you had colorful facepaint and massive amounts of rainbow hair dye, he didn't even notice you.

That must've been Evfra. Well, at least you knew he cared for your friend on some level. So maybe there was hope?

* * *

Needless to say, the other members of the former support group were distressed upon hearing what happened. What this Akksul did relit embers of a fire that had nearly been extinguished, and now everyone was feeling the metaphorical heat. You dreaded the possibility that extremists could take it farther.

Grimacing, you took out your pill bottle, swallowing a couple of capsules. It was near impossible to shiver from the bitter taste. At least it didn't make you want to gag or throw up anymore. You couldn't let your mind wander too much anymore, no matter how much you wanted to. Hell, you just wanted to lay in bed and drop everything.

Someone called your name. "What are we going to do?"

...What? Before you, it already looked like everyone was on fire, and that they were screaming. The sounds pierced your eardrums. It took a moment for you to remind yourself it wasn't reality, no matter how much your mind was screaming at you that it was. Shutting your eyes, you breathed in and out, trying to ignore the scent of burning flesh that wasn't really there. "We endure. We keep doing what we're doing. We support each other." Looking at all of them, but never able to meet their eyes, you said, "We travel in pairs or groups to stay safe. I know that's going to be hard for some of us, but right now distance may not be a good idea."

There were utters of agreements, some more reluctant than others. "Let's figure out how to do this."

You still couldn't stop the images before you. You just wished they'd remain in your head instead, so you could better differentiate reality from the hallucinations in front of you.

Jeeze, you were a mess.

* * *

When morning came, you dyed your hair again. This time it was purple and green and orange. Ever since a therapist suggested it, it helped you feel a bit better from time to time. The colors were calming somehow, despite how horrifically clashing they were. It didn't make sense, but not everything needed to. Breathing in and out, you smiled at the mirror.

All right, what were some possible conversations you needed to rehearse?

"Hi, how are you?" Ugh, that sounded messed up. "I'm doing swell." Now that was really funky. "Hey, Vorn? How are we doing on the flower sample? You still thinking about sending it to your sweetheart? Wow, you're blushing so badly right now that you're glowing!" There was a long pause. "Yep, I sound like a crazy person."

After spending fifteen minutes practicing everyday little greetings or phrases that came to neurotypical people easily, you checked the time, glad when there was a knock on the door. Behind it stood one of the members of the group, giving a small wave. "Hi?"

"Hi."

Closing and locking the door again, the two of you walked. Outside, the floor was flooded and you could see your reflection, and then you couldn't. Terrific. At least you didn't have to talk out loud. Instead you and your acquaintance (friendship was a tricky thing), signed. They asked you if you were going to the school that day. As much as you wanted to hang around the kids, you weren't all that comfortable. Upon reaching your office, your acquaintance went to the other side, leaving you in the lab. You were always the first one there, needing time to set yourself to work in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it was literally just prepping samples or evaluating materials. Others it was to calm yourself, let some sense of contentment waft through you. You needed a breath, a break from all the eyes that always followed you in public. It was stifling.

Professor Herik was chatty as per usual, and you tried to match his enthusiasm. Video calling Vorn was a bit tiring, but communicating was crucial to your job. Sometimes you wondered why you did this in the first place.

_"-I can see you. Don't be afraid. I only want to help. Follow me-"_

Checking on the soil samples, you wrote down every formula, double checking the salinity in the soil. As you did, the plant started attacking you, thorns prickling your skin. Sighing, you tugged your arms away from the unseen force, repeating a mantra in your head even as you could've sworn you felt your arms bleeding. "Carry the three, multiply it by-"

 _"Want to hear an earworm? All together now! You look like an angel, walk like an angel, talk like an angel. You're the devil in disguise-_ "They missed a lyric or two. " _Oh yes you are, the devil in disguise...YOU'RE THE DEVIL."_ Ah, they didn't miss it. They're just a-holes. " _Devil. Monster. MoNsTeR. MONSTER! MONSTER! MONSTER!"_

You muttered everything you needed to under your breath, calming down a little when you moved your hands in some soil from Earth that you'd been allowed to bring for personal use. A lot of people believed it to be unsanitary, and it kind of was, but there was always something soothing about it. You couldn't help but smile at the textures, feeling a little rejuvenated.

_"NO! Don't touch that! You'll ruin it! You ruin everything! Put it down. Put it down now!"_

You set your hand back in the soil again, almost literally grounding yourself.

After a moment of silence, the voices and hallucinations lessened significantly...The medicine was kicking in. Not everyone needed it, but you were one of the ones that did. It sucked.

Washing your hands, you set back to work.

* * *

It was really, really tempting to go to the Vortex and get yourself sloshed. Problem was, drinking plus medication wasn't a good thing. Maybe you should just lie in bed and forget the world. But being slovenly wasn't good for your health. Health, you needed to stay healthy.

_"Nice try, fatso."_

Asshole. It was hard not to respond to the jerks in your head. Sometimes, you just wanted to sleep them away. It was exhausting.

" _Don't listen. It's not real. None of it's real. You know what the right thing to do is."_

Yeah, you needed to practice talking to real people, not the ones your mind confabulated...Why did you have an extra hand behind you? You jumped, turning around and panting slightly. The hand was gone. Shit, you weren't supposed to look at them if you could help it. Doing that only makes them stronger. Breathing in and out, you pulled out headphones, doing your best to ignore the people telling you that you were worthless or a monster. The music helped dim down the chaos. You humming and jogging a bit also helped.

Inside your room, you sighed, leaning your head against the wall. Walking past the weird colonial woman in a blue dress, you went into your bed, covering your head with the blanket, and pretending the hands tickling or grabbing you didn't exist. That there wasn't a visible shadow through the cloth, or a face from a monster film was laughing at you. All you did, was turn the volume up, cover your head with the pillow, and prayed that sleep would come easier that night.

Holy shit, you were exhausted.

* * *

Morning again, and the voices were background noises, like a breeze or other kinds of background noise. Sometimes it was like a clock, or a storm. You wanted to keep it that way, so you took your medicine properly with your breakfast. The tea had bugs again. It looked like spiders this time. The acrid flavor wasn't doing you any favors. Neither was the crunching sensation that you knew wasn't there. Hopefully you wouldn't get sulfur burps.

You wanted to take a shower, but there was that guy in suspenders and wearing a mask staring at the facilities you'd normally use. Plus, he was turning his head to look at you. Blood dripped off the ax he was clutching. Sighing, you rolled your eyes, and walked to the little garden you had. It was almost always the man with the mask, the colonial woman, bugs of some kind, or being attacked by inanimate objects. The hand thing from before was a bit new, but new things tended to appear whenever something messed up more than usual happened, like your friend almost dying.

...It's never a good sign when your coffee mug is giving you the middle finger. And it's also really confusing when you always feel calm around something you know you should be afraid of. For instance, the guy in the mask only made you uncomfortable when he stared at you when you were in the bathroom. Otherwise, who the hell cared?

Okay, maybe you should care, just a little. It's not normal to be followed by a ghost lady and an ax murderer after all.

The com rang then, and you dusted off your hands, trying to compose yourself. Answering, you blinked at the sight of the Moshae. "I hope this isn't a bad time?"

And the colonial woman was whispering stuff to the ax murderer. You wondered briefly what kind of conversations they might have. "No, I'm good. How are you?"

_"Liar."_

"I have a rather difficult request for you?"

Was it about your job? Shit, were you fired? What'd you do wrong? You thought you'd been doing well? Wait, what would the Moshae have to do with your job. That didn't make sense. What was the question again? Oh, right. "What is it?"

"I am sure you've heard of Akksul?"

_"He shot your friend. He'll shoot you. He's going to kill everyone."_

That voice you weren't so sure you should ignore. Some were harder to disobey than others. "I am...Well aware of who he is."

The Moshae grimaced, clearing her throat. "Well, you see, Akksul is going to _try_ tolerating the races from the Milky Way." Oh no. Now you were tempted to grab that axe and smash it into the screen. Too bad it didn't exist. Plus, lashing out or getting angrier than you were now wasn't a good thing to even contemplate. "I am not asking you to monitor him or act as a guide. Rather, 'keep an eye out', I believe is the phrase? Or at least Evfra told me the colloquialism."

"So don't actively watch him, but check in every once in a while?" The leader looked pleased. In unison, you and the voices asked, "Why me?"

"Because you are a social person, one who can act as a guardian or adviser." If she only knew. "I heard of the support group you made, of how you advocated those in need and explained misunderstandings even your own people had."

_"Fat lot of good it does when everyone's scared of someone blowing up. It could happen anytime. You could just be eating out and suddenly, KABLOOEY!"Now you're a terrorist out to kill someone."_

And speaking of terrorists. "Let me elaborate, why should _I_ help _him_ , when he shot my friend and threatened everyone here?"

_"Because people have seen you as a threat before. Because you're willing to do what it takes to protect others and you might understand that part of his POV? You know what it's like to feel hunted down by an unseen threat?"_

The Moshae inclined her head. "You have the courage and ability to stand up to him. Not only that, but I believe it would be advantageous to educate him on some of the struggles your people may experience. After all, one of the reasons the cook was taken was because they have sensory difficulties, especially involving touching with people."

Shit, the axe guy was cackling, and the colonial woman was shushing him. She was the nicer one.

Still, not only was everyday a struggle for you on your own, but your metaphorical plate was overflowing by now. However, if you could convince not just the people on the Nexus, but those of the angara that those who were neurodiverse weren't evil or needed to be fixed, then maybe this wasn't a bad idea?

_"It's a stupid idea. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. You're stupid."_

Whelp, that settled it. You always were a bit rebellious. "I'll do my best."

There was an unholy amount of screaming in your head, from multiple voices.

This time, that obnoxious, chaotic chorus full of profanity was kind of enjoyable.

* * *

You were feeling better. Heck, you were good enough to hang around the kids. Oh the voices and hallucinations were still there, but they weren't that bothersome at the moment.

"You're coming to the music party, right?"

Beaming, you verified you were, excited to get out to sing and maybe have some fun.

Of course, that was the day that Akksul appeared. You heard a lot of things about him, but none seemed to quite fit his appearance. Most angara you'd encountered were of bright colors while this guy was almost dull in comparison. He was even _pale_ , almost lifeless. The biggest splotches of colors were from a uniform, and his facepaint.

" _He looks miserable. You should talk to him. You should take him to the show!"_

_"No, that's dumb. Don't listen. He'll just shoot you like he did your friend."_

You checked the time. There weren't any hallucinations at the moment, nor had there been for the past hour or so. Weirdly enough, you got more sleep than usual the previous night. A small hand tugged on yours, and you returned the kid's smile. People had been reluctant about unfreezing some of the younger generations, but with a new species being discovered, terrorist threats simmering down, and low Kett activity, some of the higher ups thought it safe enough to take a chance. So far, it was working. There were even a few angara children here intermingling with the populace. And for some reason, they liked you.

Looking back to Akksul, you leaned down and whispered to the little one, smirking as they did.

They gathered other kids, including the angara ones, and cheered, running past Akksul, playing all the while. 

The voices became background noise again.

Aksul startled when little one, several little ones, ran past him. They were laughing, sprinting, leaping. One rolled onto their hands and practically bounced back up. "-Hey, did you see that?!"

"Yeah, that was amazing!"you called out.

You cheered on the kids, the people on the Nexus either watching with amusement, or rolling their eyes. You greeted someone, asking them if "the stage" was ready. There was a noise of confirmation, and the employee winced at the shrieking, excited young ones. That's when they said you were being watched, as you suspected Akksul would. It was kind of hard for your disheveled appearance and overabundance of colorful articles of clothing and hair to _not_ gain some attention. You looked at Akksul, who was staring at you. You had a better visual on what he looked like from where you were. You put your hands around your mouth, and called, "Awesome face pain, dude!"

He didn't respond, confused and disturbed when a child appeared out of nowhere, tugging him towards where you were. It was obvious Akksul was trying desperately not to lash out or shove the young one. You watched, but acted as if nothing were wrong, as per usual, as you got up on stage, joined by all kinds of tiny little feet.

"Welcome, ladies, gentlemen, and anyone else who is just as fantastic!" You were loud, abrasive, and enthusiastic. Akksul paused in his attempt to exit, reading the sign by the door. A series of musical noises from an unknown instrument began playing, and Akksul decided to make himself look up. You were standing in front of the children, holding one of their hands. All eyes were focused on you. The voices in your mind were picking up in volume, but you focused on the faces in front of you. This was you, and you tried to make the voices, whether they were in your head or not, become something better. The young ones slowly, visibly relaxing when you sang. "I am not a stranger to the dark..."

That was it. You caught his full, undivided attention, as you did many others. 

"Hide away, they say, 'cause we don't want your broken parts." You smiled out at the audience, and Akksul just looked confused. You were used to that. "I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars. Run away, they say. No one'll love you as you are." He stilled. "But I won't let them break me down to dust, I know that there's a place for us. For we are glorious."

On the last sentence, some of the youths whispered parts of the song with you, a small hand tightening around yours. The song was rising, as were the more timid ones around you. "When the sharpest words wanna cut me down, I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out. I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be, this is me. Look out 'cause here I come. And I'm marching on to the beat I drum." Your grin was bright to the audience, likely a result of being under stag lights, but your gaze was determined. "I'm not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is _me_."

Akksul jumped a little when a chorus from the young ones broke the silence. They too, were sharing expressions of excitement, and joy. Some even stepped forward, and you stepped backwards to let them take charge. "Another round of bullets hits my skin. Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in..."

Now the children were dancing together. It was chaos, and utter mess, but there was laughter as well. "We are bursting through the barricades and reaching for the sun." As their hands outstretched, yours did too, "We are warriors!"

To his visible surprise, and terror, many of the Milky Way members were singing along. Even more confounding, at least from what you could tell by his expressions (you weren't always good at reading them) was the fact that some of his own people were joining in. "Yeah, that's what we've become. Yeah, that's what we've become!"

Everyone began clapping to a beat, the lights moving by electing a large, glass ball with mirrors attached. Some of the colors were shining from off your ridiculous appearance. You didn't care though, and neither did anyone else. "I won't let them break me down to dust. I know that there's a place for us. For we are glorious!"

He looked annoyed, ready to walk out. You were used to that too. "When the sharpest words wanna cut me down. I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out." This time, it was the angara who sang the loudest. You almost laughed when he scowled. He looked ready to curse at himself when he found his foot tapping. "I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be, this is me."

Then, everyone was singing in unison, the joy and enthusiasm palpable. "And I know that I deserve your love 'cause there's nothing I'm not worthy of." The sound changed into something softer almost instantaneously. It was somber, a declaration. "When the sharpest words wanna cut me down. I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out." You let everyone else sing without you. This was their moment, not yours. But that didn't keep you from monitoring Akksul's reactions. They were amusing at the very least. "This is brave, this is proof. This is who I'm meant to be, this is _me_."

Soon, it was over, and everyone was greeting each other happily, with contentment. There was barely any hostility, if at all. Not long after, it was a turian who took the lead, a krogan, an asari, and more. Each group had a song to sing. He was still angry when an angara child sang a song of his people, others merry, in unison with them.

Akksul walked out.

You were used to that kind of reaction.

* * *

The next time you saw him, you weren't sure what to think. He was trying to break into your room.

His brows (were those brows?) were furrowed in consternation, his teeth grit as he muttered profanity under his breath. The key card kept denying him entrance. "Stupid alien technology..."

It was slightly more obvious what the problem was. You had wondered who was going to be your new neighbor. You just hadn't expected it to be Akksul...Maybe you could mess with him? Just a little?

"Um, are you trying to break into my quarters? Because that'd be a bit of a problem for me seeing as you're really pretty and I'd hate to mess up your facepaint." He froze, glancing from the corner of his eye to see you. A pure second of silence echoed, his palor turning darker by the second. Inspecting his key and then the door, he grunted, turning to the other side of the lengthy hallway to his supposed room, the door opening almost instantly. You shrugged, acting as if everything was normal. "Oh well, good luck...Akksul."

You entered your own quarters, chuckling under your breath at his sound of surprise.

Oh, it was going to be so much fun messing with him.

* * *

Throughout the night, you could hear clambering next door. A lot of it sounded like unconscious noises of distress, the kind you were more familiar with than you'd care for.

_"You should let him drown. Drown. Drown in his ghosts. Let them eat at him. Let them-"_

Sighing, you got up and walked over to a corner of your room. There was a chest of small things, from little tools to tiny, cuddly toys. It was the latter that you were after. Taking the box containing them, you left your apartment and knocked on his door. 

_"He's going to ignore you."_

" _HE'S GOING TO SHOOT YOU."_

Well, he did have his gun close to him as he opened the door. He narrowed his eyes in suspicion. He blinked at first, taking in your appearance. You weren't wearing face paint at the moment, or had your hair in its all colorful and messy glory. then the suspicion returned. "What do you want?"

You opened the box. It had numerous plush toys. "A lot of the people here have nightmares, and I can hear you from my quarters." He continued to glare, and you continued to avoid as much eye contact as possible. "I keep a bunch of these things. Kids love them, and so do a lot of adults. Apparently it's good for most people t hold onto something or someone. I don't think you're up for hugging, at least from me."

"...How do you know who I am?"

You blinked, "Oh, the human Pathfinder contacted me. You uh, kind of shot my friend?" He flinched, and you almost grinned in the schadenfreude of the moment. "And the Moshae asked for me to help you since you're trying not to kill people anymore? Or at least I hope? 'Cause killing me in an enclosed space on a station full of aliens that are already on edge wouldn't be a good idea. It's also a bad idea for me to hurt you since I _am_ an alien and everyone's trying to get along?There's not exactly a lot for either of us to gain from harming or killing the other...I've nearly died once too, and it wasn't fun. Everyone says that drowning is peaceful, like going to sleep, but it's not-" That's when you started rambling about death and debates over how people interpreted it. Akksul banged his forehead on the wall, groaning. There was a small silence, and you asked, "Er, is right now your private time? 'Cause I can come back later?"

Oh for the love of-! Why was your brain like this?

"Just, you're not going away until I accept one of those infernal things, are you?"

You just grinned. He had you and your cargo scanned first, slowly opening the door and looking up and down the hallway. There was nothing harmful to detect. Swiftly, he just picked up one of the objects, grumbling under his breath when he returned to his quarters. The sight of a tiny, stuffed puppy that was dyed in hues of blue and pink. The sight was adorable. You called out, "Good night!"

_"He's going to burn it."_

If he burned it, then that would be his choice.

At least you'd been honest, and at least you tried.

* * *

Your buddy arrived to pick you up at the same time that Akksul left his room. Over his very high shoulder you could see, much to your surprise, that he kept the puppy. Cheerfully, you said, "Morning!"

He tensed, looking between you and your friend, searching for signs of an attack. Your friend whispered, "Um, is he with-?"

"No. He was the leader of the Roekarr," you explained nonchalantly.

They made a noise of recognition, then froze, slowly sidestepping away from him. This time, you spoke to Akksul. "Yeah, everyone here has heard your name even if they don't recognize you on sight."

"He shot-"

Akksul's eyes flared in recognition, and you caught sight of a flash of guilt. Thinking carefully, you told your partner, "He's trying to find his way. So, be patient?"

It was the kind of phrase most in the community you lived in would recognize. The muscles relaxed, and your friend offered a small, if not anxious, smile. "Er, um, okay? Uh, welcome to the Nexus?"

Akkul stayed quiet, which only helped you and your friend. "We work in the Research Labs here on the Nexus, and we travel to work together. If you want, we could give you a bit of a tour on our way there?"

_"He's not interested. Why would he be interested? Stupid, piece of-!"_

After a long, long moment, he followed. You gestured to locations, explained their uses, and gave advice as you went. Both your companion and Akksul traveled in silence, Akksul more observant while your friend glanced around warily. 

"Is there danger here?"

_"Danger. DaNgEr. DANGER. DANGER! DANGERDANGERDANGERDANGER-"_

You ignored the voices screaming at you saying that there was. "There's danger everywhere," you admitted. "Just more so for some people." At his confrontational look, you sighed. "We're neurodivergent, and there's concern that because of what the Roekarr did with one of us, wanting to make us an example..."

Fear and confusion showed. "Your own kind would harm you?"

_"He's blind. Of course he's blind, look at those soulless eyes. They've got nothing in them. Not even a hint of light"_

"Are you saying you wouldn't if you believed one of your own was dangerous?"

Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh. Both the Moshae and Ryder had told you of the circumstances involved with the Tempest's cook. Akksul fired at Jaal, one of his own, but your friend nearly died by pushing Jaal out of the way. It had showed the remainders of the Roekarr how far Akksul had lost himself, and that extraterrestrials weren't all bad. That didn't make any of this easier though.

You didn't look at his expression, unsure if you wanted to see it. See him. "It's natural for people to fear, and then fear to become anger, and anger to hate. So, once fear is initiated, most tend to follow that path." How to phrase this? "But, anger doesn't always have to lead to hate. It can lead to passion, a yearning for change, and the change for something better."

_"Now you're stealing from Star Wars. Thief. Someone should get you for plagarizing Star Wars. Disney will sue your ass and you'll be broke. Living in a cardboard box will do you wonders. Go for it. GO FOR IT!"_

The small group arrived at the Research Lab, your friend practically skipping off, and leaving you with Akksul. You couldn't even begin to predict what he was thinking. "You hate me, don't you."

"Yes, yes I do." This expression, was readable. "What, you want me to lie?"

_"You're always lying. You've always got something to hide. Why stop now?"_

He folded his arms. "Are you only helping me because of the Moshae?"

"No," you sighed. "I'm the leader of a support group for those who are neurodivergent. Some of the things I do include helping those who are neurodivergent learn ways to better acclimate to unfamiliar environments, and helping those who work with them better understand what it means to be neurodivergent for the individual, an possibly how to accommodate them."

The colonial woman was encroaching, growing enough to leave shadows over Akksul. He face was hollowed out, eyes missing and replaced with pools of darkness. Don't look her in the eyes. Doesn't matter if she doesn't have any, just don't look.

You blinked when he touched your arm. He was the one who flinched. "But, you're okay with being touched? You and those children-?"

Ah, right. "You do know that neurodivergent just means 'brain different', right?" At his blank stare, you checked the time. You typically arrived at work early, so you had a while to spare. You normally did it to better compose yourself and better plan out what to do for the day. See, accommodation. "It means those who are neurodivergent process stimuli differently, that we're more sensitive to certain kinds of things more than others. For instance, my friend is hypersensitive to physical contact of other sentient beings. Angara can communicate on a level through bioelectricity, which means that physical contact between them and the angara is enhanced greatly."

"I don't understand."

Ooh boy. "Let me put it this way...Do you have a phobia? Something you're afraid of, sometimes without you knowing why? Something others might find silly or that doesn't make sense?" From his posture it was obvious he did. "It's like having a fear, without being afraid. Your body is afraid of something, or is oversensitive to something, and you can't figure out why." Damn, it was hard trying to focus when your mind tried to differentiate the joyous screams of children in reality from the voices in your head. "For those who are touch sensitive, it's been shown in studies that the same part of the brain that practices hypervigilance reacts to touch as one would a phobia." He was still puzzled, if only a little. "This is not a good analogy but you're a soldier, or at least you were. During battle certain senses are stronger than others for you, right? Like how if you're in the dark your hearing and sense of smell would be better than your sight to better acclimate to what's around, right?"

That he understood, giving you a small nod. You were normally better at explaining this kind of thing, but it was normally with other extraterrestrials you were somewhat familiar with. All of this, all of him, was completely new.

"Now, imagine if that never switched off. Your mind is calm, but something still tells you there's danger from one of those senses."

_"Danger. DaNgEr. DANGER. DANGER! DANGERDANGERDANGERDANGER-"_

"Being touched by someone tells you that there's something attacking you. The smallest of noises can make you jump or as if you want to scream back. Or even light or darkness makes you want to hide from an unknown assault." It wasn't always that bad. Being neurodivergent wasn't a torturous existence. Or at least it didn't need to be. "Or when you can't find those things, your mind creates them to justify whatever's causing your senses to mess with you." Even now you could see the ax murderer with the apparition of a woman from times long gone by. It was as if their presence was justifying that there was something wrong when you knew there wasn't. Or at least, there shouldn't be. Feeling tired just describing everything, you uttered, "And it's not something you can just switch off or that'll easily calm with reasoning or something simple like that. It's something always there that you can't control."

Akksul was looking at you as if you were insane.

_"He SEES You. You think you can hide, but he SEES you. He knows what you are. They all do. Pathetic."_

You couldn't stop wondering that about yourself sometimes. "Then how do you function?"

Why did it sound like he was asking for himself?

_"Because he's got PTSD, duh! He's got his own problems. Why should he care about your shit?"_

"Even if you can't control those parts of you, that doesn't mean you let them control you." Smiling, you said, "We find ways to ground ourselves. Patterns are comforting. We thrive on colors, more often of one color than multiple." He glanced up at your hair. You ignored him. "Sometimes we have foods or pieces of clothing we can't part with. Or, we even have little stuffed animals to help us sleep at night."

_"Or night lights. Night lights help. Or fidget toys. Or-"_

Aw, he actually had a cute kind of blush. 

"Sometimes, people find ways to turn those supposed weaknesses into strengths. For example, some of us are good at math and calculations. That's because they are facts, something not easily shaken. They're easier to follow, or even design with. Others, like me, adore music. Sounds of specific kinds are really soothing. That and certain kinds of rhythms...Everyone has a coping mechanism, even if they don't realize it. It's something they need to figure out, and communicating that can be difficult when it's not only hard to focus, but also when few try to understand."

The woman was slashing through Akksul. Blood was dribbling down what remained of his face. He was screaming in agony, all while smiling. You should really take more of your medications soon. It's getting harder to act as if it's stuff in the background.

People were starting to come in for work, and Akksul pursed his lips in thought.

"I see why the Moshae wanted you to 'look out' for me." You tilted your head up at him. "You're a leader, a true one."

He walked away before you could ask what he meant.

What the heck was he talking about?

Leader?

You could barely even dress yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this story is something I worked on with a friend.
> 
> Not all people who are neurodivergent, or even of the same diagnosis, are the same. Each one experiences something different and will react differently, sometimes for reasons they don't completely understand.


End file.
